Superinky Fixations

picture-25
Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl

Just a few more days of freedom until I must thrust my brain into overdrive for another term. I can already see summer flying by. 8 intense weeks of school peppered with an extravagantly lavish formal wedding in Chicago over the course of 5 days, bbqs and happy hours. Fun? Sure. Taxing? No doubt. I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong.

Spring term was SO HARD. I just had no idea until I was totally in the thick of it there was no turning back. And now, even though I’m working full time, seriously, I feel like I’m on vacation.

I’ve never used my brain so much in my entire life people. I’m sorry, but college was never this challenging. Not only do I feel like I’m studying much more complicated material, it somehow feels more significant - like I really need to pay attention and get it or perhaps some day, when confronted with a patient, I may make the wrong choice and… oh, now I’m being a big downer and getting so far ahead of myself I’m not really making sense.

I suspect it’s different now because I’m striving for A’s and 18 years ago when I started college I didn’t really give a crap and in fact deliberately went to a college that did not give out grades. Youth truly is wasted on the young.

Here’s my secret to straight A’s: STUDY MY ASS OFF. I mean, study and study and study and study. And surround myself with equally intelligent people of varying age and background. One of the greatest days of Spring Term was overhearing a guy in my class talk to another student and referring to me and 2 of my study partners as “brainiacs”. Oh my god, at this point in my life that means more to me than I can say. Of course it would have really been awesome if I’d overheard him saying, “see that hottie over there talking to the dudes? She is a freaking brainiac.” Hmmm, maybe he was thinking that…

Summer Term = Anatomy & Physiology 232 and Algebra 95, a total of 8 credits. I swear to god I thought I don’t know how I will have any life at all when Fall begins and I’ll tackle 10 credits.

All I know is that I have to keep going. Every term down is a term closer to getting into nursing school, a term closer to leaving my current job and creating a new life for myself.

bretty is absolutely the best. He supports me so deeply and I hope that one day I can somehow pay him back. 11 years we’ve been together now. And I’d say in the last couple months we’ve really taken an upturn. He’s incredibly cute, sweet and totally sexy.

Oh, this is huge news (though it will come as no surprise to those that know me: we’re following the brian jonestown massacre again this September. Thank you Anton Newcombe for planning your west coast tour around my school schedule. We’ll be able to hit 6 shows this year. We were planning on 8 until we looked at the refrigerator and noticed the “save the date” wedding announcement that’d be hanging up there for the last several months. Oh well. I’m satisfied with 6 shows - San Francisco (2), Portland, to Vancouver, down to Seattle, then Eugene. I’m so looking forward to road tripping, visiting friends, doing some record shopping (we bought a record player!) and of course feeling some awesome music.

And my sister is pregnant. About 16 weeks. It’s quite exciting and a just a tinge melancholy, as it makes me feel my age. I can’t help it - I want her to have a little girl. A little girl I tell you!! My parents are of course over the moon happy. I’m happy, too.

Alright, well, that’s it for now. My main goal during “break” was to blog. Now I’ve done it and I feel good. Other goals include cleaning off my desk here in the computer room and tackling the ugly mountain of clothes that daunts me in the bedroom.

I’ve apparently decided to adopt a chapter from my friend Charlie’s philosophy of studying for Anatomy & Physiology by not picking up a book for 2 days. Somehow Charlie manages to get nearly perfect scores on every quiz and every test while all my countless hours of studying have only given me (barely) the most lowest of A’s. So while I’ve been home alone for the last couple days I haven’t even cracked a book. Granted, I did do my Friday-night-at-the-lab session because I just can’t shake the feeling that I need to get some studying in before the practicum on Wednesday. But crap I feel like such a bad girl not devoting my entire weekend to the Cascade Campus library. We’ll see if the minimal studying pays off. LOL.

You know, I remember going through this last term; the aching anxiety that I will never live up to my expectations. How could I possibly get perfect grades? Yet I somehow manage to surround myself with uber-geniuses who do get perfect scores and so naturally I feel like a dunce next to them.

By the way, I so totally know how to FOIL at this point. FOILing is child’s play. I can FOIL like nobody’s business. Does it help me distinguish between pseudo-stratified ciliated epithelium and stratified cuboidol epithelium? NO. But FOILing does make me feel better about myself. So far this term’s math feels easier than last term. Then again, even towards the end of last term I kept waiting for things to get more difficult, and waited some more and waited some more. It’s not like I can just crank out the slope intercept, yet I’ve managed to keep up and y = mx + b is my friend. 

Julia and I went on a crazy shopping bender yesterday. I’m too embarrassed to get into all the details, but suffice to say it involved 5 hours and 3 of the same stores from Multnomah to Clark to Clackamas county. I don’t think we spent a $100 between the two of us, but it was certainly thrilling. That woman is a compulsive bargain hunter. I actually think she would have kept going if I’d given her any encouragement.
And hello? I was the willing passenger egging her on from store to store.

I read this news article this morning about a woman who was cleaning up her deceased mother’s home. She had absolutely no idea that for the last 10 years her mother was a compulsive hoarder. The house (here in NE Portland) looked fine from the outside, but indoors was a disaster. Her mother slept on a huge pile of papers with a blanket next to a kerosene lamp. There was a rat’s nest in the kitchen and maggots in a purse she carried with her everyday. Poor lady. Perhaps I have this fear I will turn into a crazy hoarder, as I find my elation at bargain shopping so immense and my mystifying guilt so strong, that my first impulse is to stash my bounty of goods.

So my entries are few and far between. My life has altered and there’s just not much time anymore to write. Though every time I do write, it reminds me why I enjoy it so much. So no promises on when I’ll get back here, though know I certainly love hanging out in my blog world.

Ok, so finally, I know I’m always going on and on about bands no one knows or likes. But today give Brightblack Morninglight a try and I swear they won’t let you down.

Franka needs a bath
Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl.

We really do have a third Chihuahua. Here she is.

Today’s the first day of Spring Term. I’ve got Anatomy & Physiology I on my plate, as well as Math 65. For those that don’t already know, I ACED WINTER TERM with A’s in both Math 60 and Cell Biology/Genetics. Frankly, I was taken aback by the A in Biology. There was a point after my 2nd midterm (of which I scored an 80%) where I decided I’d gladly take a B. Then I braced myself for a B. Then I hoped by a B. Then I PRAYED for a B. But my hard work obviously paid off. YEAH FOR ME.

My A & P books must weigh about 30lbs altogether. Even though this term’s class is only 4 credits, I have a feeling I’ll be doing a helluva lot of memorizing.

Mostly I’m worried about my energy level. Here it is, about 5 and a 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I still find myself extremely fatigued by the end of the day. Work last week was especially hard and very uncomfortable. Now my Mondays and Wednesdays will be long and mentally taxing, what with work and classes from 9am - 9pm.

Tiger & Allison are coming this weekend. I’m hopeful Allie & I will find my bridesmaid dress thereby eliminating one more thing off my list of stresses.

As much as I love my music, after last weekend I now know that I am definitely not a hard rocker. I just can’t take the cigarettes and rampant drinking, the snorting of lines in nasty men’s bathrooms - it’s just not for me. It’s fun to say I was at some intimate shows with the Dandy Warhols (not that any of them know me), but aside from the music (Spindrift - I heart you so hard), it was mostly grossly excessive and tiresome.

It’s sort of a weird position I’m in, loving new psychedelic/folky/stoney music, but not really identifying with the lifestyle that goes along with it. I suppose it’s just a measure of my growth as a human being. Or more to the point, a sign that I’m growing older. I don’t like the idea of eating ramen noodles for a week so I can buy blow and cigarettes for one night. Yuck! That’s just me.

Well, wish me luck as I begin the first of my pre-requisites into nursing school. Last term was just a pre-requisite to my pre-requisite on my long journey (relatively speaking) into my new career. It’s difficult to find the time to write these days. Now that I’m feeling better, though, I’m hopeful I can turn that around. Guess that depends on how easily I can memorize all the bones and muscles of the body.

Oh, and Bretty is such a great chef. Feel free to invite yourselves over for dinner. You’ll be in for a treat.

It’s much harder than I thought it’d be, just laying around day after day. And it’s not just boredom, though I’ve surfed every channel so thoroughly at this point I can tell you who has the best info-mercials, the verdict of virtually every People’s Court hearing over the last several days and who’s on Ellen. Highlights include a made-for-tv "western" with Eric Roberts, the Mary K. LaTorneau story on Lifetime, and the first half of the first season of Melrose Place and Roswell. You know, I’m trying to expand my horizons while I’m down. Challenge the mind if you will…

Frankly, it’s just hard hurting all the time. Being at some level of discomfort day after day sucks. Discomfort wakes me up at 2:30am and forces me to watch Melrose Place. I can’t believe it’s been nearly 2 weeks since the surgery because I feel no where near being ready to join the ranks of the regular world. Abdominal surgery = NOT FUN. Trust me I’ll be taking advantage of my full leave of absence from work.

Biology continues to be hard as hell but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One more big test, one more huge paper, another pre-lab and quiz, and the completion of my lab manual. By this time next week only the test will be looming like a huge black cloud over my head. If I’m diligent and committed, I’ll keep my B and damn it I will take it proudly. Cell Biology and Genetics has to be the hardest class I have EVER TAKEN. It is by far the class with the most work. The next time you see a Biology text book laying around, keep in mind that the owner of that book was responsible for memorizing and understanding the entire thing. This is not an exaggeration.

Thank you all who’ve kept me in your thoughts these last few weeks. I have loved every card and every flower and all the magazines, puzzles and books. It’s really only been the last four days that I’ve been able to do more than just sit on the lounge chair and pop vicadin. Bretty is a saint among men, truly and completely straight up no lie a saint. He’s done everything for me over the last couple weeks, not just the cooking and cleaning, but waking me up when I needed to take my medication in the middle of the night, helping me get dressed and get in & out of the shower. He’s a dream.

I’m slightly overwhelmed with all the homework I’ve got to make up, but I’m sure I’ll manage somehow. I’m feeling pretty strong at the moment (strong being a relative term you dig) so I’m feeling motivated to crack open the old Algebra book and work through some word problems. They suck!! Let it be known to the whole world! Yet, I must do them. I really want that A.

It’s getting closer & closer, the day of my surgery. I go back & forth between being scared shitless, sad, and relieved. I worry about the possibility of losing an ovary, and I really can’t even wrap my head around the possibility of losing both. Getting admitted into the hospital is a very real possibility as well, and one I don’t necessarily look forward to. I’ve got this vision in my head that all will proceed smoothly and I will recovery in the short stay and be released by mid afternoon on Friday, just a handful of hours after the operation. We’ll see if my prophecy comes true.

Telling my parents about this whole thing, well, it was really uncomfortable. Both of them were very upset. My father, as usual, was on the road when I called, and I just didn’t have a choice but to tell him while he was driving. I don’t even want to get into his work-aholic-ism right now. So I told him I needed an operation to remove a couple tumors. He somehow thought I said I was getting an abortion, so the first question he asked was "are you pregnant?". Oh fuck, that was fun to clear up, as you can well imagine. I know my parents are just concerned for me, and they love me and want to be there to help.

I guess it’s just sort of weird dealing with all this attention from family and friends. I’d rather it be because I achieved some sort of fabulous recognition in an incredibly intellectual field, or won a 150 million dollars, or even just got an unusual haircut or tattoo. I don’t want to be this reminder to them that their not getting any grandchildren from these loins. Ugh. It’s all a very touchy and uncomfortable subject. Again, I know they just want to be there for me, and for that I am thankful.

So I’m doing really well so far in my classes. I spent a good part of the weekend writing a paper & a lab report for Biology and then studying my ass off for the exam on Wednesday. It feels good knowing that after this week I’ll be nearly 2/3rds of the way through the term; the home stretch if you will. Somehow I flipped out the other week and seemed to forget everything I’d learned in Algebra conveniently right as I was taking a test. Thankfully my instructor allows us to correct our errors for half credit and I managed to get a B, bringing my overall Algebra grade to a 95. Ok, I know what you’re thinking, but I can’t allow myself to screw up like that again if I’m planning on keeping my A. And at this point, well, all I can say is that my biology class is fucking dense as hell and I’ll be happy to get a high B, and shocked if I get an A. We’ll see, it could happen. Guess I need to just focus on this exam on Wednesday and I should be just fine.

I have nothing else to report. My mind is consumed with school and with the surgery. Really nothing more of anything else. Except why am I forced to work on a Holiday? I work for an educational institution for goodness sakes, you’d think they’d be all over this shit. My husband is all snugged into bed and will be for at least another hour while I sit here slurping my herbal tea trying to prep myself for the day. Alas, life is never fair, though it does somehow balance out I suppose.

I had this dream last night that I was in the hospital. B was with me and I was scared. I thought I was there for some kind of a check-up, but then, before I knew it, I was put under. I woke up and I was in pain and really frightened. I asked B what was going on and to take me home. I was confused because I thought I had another few weeks before my surgery but it seemed they’d operated on me because I felt really sore. I was crying and crying because I didn’t understand why the doctors would operate on me before I was scheduled to have an operation. Then the dream starts to get fuzzing. Something about a male doctor putting me under to do an examination, but that I had to come back for the operation.

Hmmm. Nervous perhaps? As the days go on it becomes less scary, the thought of the operation itself, and I’m becoming more enthusiastic over the possibility that I may actually experience less pain and more relief. I am mostly anxious over the possibility of complications. But hey, I’m trying to be very upbeat about the whole thing.

School is so consuming! There’s really not a lot of time to do much of anything else during the week besides my homework. I’ve found I can sneak in a couple hours of studying at work, too, though I’m sure I won’t always be able to count on down time on the job. But I schlep all my books in everyday on the off chance I’ll have a few minutes to dedicate to the greater cause of my future career.

I can’t believe all the stuff I’ve already done for both my classes. Pages and pages of written homework for Biology, including 2 quizzes and 3 pre-labs. And Algebra. Good heavens, the amount of homework is somewhat staggering. It still remains the class that feels the easiest. Then again, today is the Exam over Chapter 1 and it’s all been review so far. The jury’s out people. And I’ve been boring you all far too long with my homework woes!

Talk to you soon.

Note to self: don’t wait until the day before your homework is due to do your homework again. Thank GOD today was recognized by my work and school as a holiday. I literally spent the last, I’m not exaggerating here, the last 5 and a half hours studying and doing homework. And I’m sure last week I did at least another 2 or 3 hours of studying. I have not even completed reading my Biology chapter or completed my Micro World projects from last week, and for sure there’s much work to look forward to this week. I mean, crap, I’ve got an algebra quiz tomorrow, that much I’m sure. Did you know I had homework due for a class I hadn’t even attended yet? I totally forgot how much work is involved with school. And week 2 doesn’t technically begin until tomorrow. Better get used to it.

Life is really freaking crazy. It’s crazy and unexpected and it twists and turns in ways I could have never imagined. Last week I found out I have a large growth on my left ovary. It’s about 11 centimeters and if you make a fist, well, that’s pretty much it’s size. Additionally, I have another, smaller growth on my right ovary, this one between 2 and 4 centimeters. It didn’t really hit me until I made that fist and looked at it really hard, trying to imagine it inside my body.

I’m sad mostly, and frustrated. How many years have I complained about acute pain during ovulation? Painful, debilitating cramping? I have a hard time believing a fist sized tumor just appears overnight. But at the same time I don’t blame anyone. And I’m thankful someone found it now before it got any worse. I can’t help but wonder what direction my life may have swerved in had these tumors been discovered years ago when we entertained the thought of having children. All along I’ve wanted to believe our choice to remain child free was just that, our choice. Now it seems more complicated.

It’s likely the left ovary will go with the surgery. And depending on what the right side looks like will determine what happens to the other one. I certainly don’t want to lose them both. I’m not prepared to swoop into an early menopause. But again, I suppose, it’s better than the possible alternative.

Just so you know, there’s nothing to lead the doctors to believe these tumors and anything more than benign. I even looked it up on-line and discovered some amazing facts and some rather grotesque photographs. I don’t recommend looking it up unless you have a strong stomach. But if you do, the one on my left side is called a dermoid cyst. Part of me wants to see those things after they come out though. I’ve been carrying them around long enough.

I’m most looking forward to all the time I’ll be required to take off work. Two weeks minimum, and that’s if the doctors can do laproscopic surgery, a month if they must cut me open. I had a consult on Friday with a surgeon who said I may, if I’m not working or doing anything else, be able to go to school the following week after the procedure. It’ll be week seven of the term, after my 2nd big exam in Cell Biology. I think I’ll have a pretty good idea by then how I’m going to do in the class.

In the mean time, I’ll continue to read up on my tumors, I’ll consult a naturopath next week and I will remain positive. Oh yeah, and I’ll continue to study my ass off. 

My final day of slothful freedom. It’s already 10:38am and I’ve successfully managed to do as little as possible for what may be the last time for the next several years. Bretty assembled the desk unit from Dania and our office is in shambles. My goal: create a study space conducive to higher learning. Better get cracking. Better pack up my Wolverine action figures and stock up on pencils and erasers. Cellular Biology awaits me just under 32 hours from now.

I did a little calculating in my head, just to make myself feel better, and I figured that the average student would pay approximately $850 for these 9 credits I’m tackling (which includes all tuition, fees, and books). And, get this, because of my service to a certain educational institution, my 9 credits are setting me back, so far, including all my notebooks and pencils, pens and erasers, well, it feels a little cheesy revealing this and I don’t want to, you know, rub it in or anything, but… oh, here it goes, it’s setting me back $87. Now, because I’ve only placed into Math 60, I can’t give you the precise percentage of savings, but I’m eyeballing it here and venturing a guess that I’m saving somewhere along the lines of 90%. Holy crap. So it’s definitely to my advantage so stick with my job for at least the next year and knock out those pre-requisites. I’ve been looking at some private schools that offer graduate programs in nursing and those babies are going to demand anywhere from $15 to 20k PER YEAR. Best count my blessings while I can I suppose.

So anyway, this is pretty much it for me I suspect. And I’m not complaining or lamenting or even being sentimental. In fact, I relish the idea of changing it up. I’m sick and tired of my unchallenged mental state. I cannot count the number of games of spider solitaire I’ve played. And to what end? Just wasting time until I think of something else unproductive to do. I relish leaving these days behind and starting something new. Now don’t be mistaken: I love doing nothing. I have this sort of mantra I say to myself all the time, measuring time in cups of tea. Yeah, yeah, so I may have stole it from Sark a few years back, but it seems to me a mantra I can carry with me no matter what I’m doing, productive or slothful.

My dreams have been plentiful and vivid lately. Yesterday morning I woke up with a start, after dreaming I (or a woman symbolizing "I") discovered I had this uncontrollable power that heated up everything around me. I walked onto a solid, frozen lake and every step I took the ice melted to the lake floor. It was scary and thrilling to walk on the lake. There was a man ice fishing and he laughed when I walked by him and he fell to the lake floor. Then I worried about him, that he would drown in the melted water after I passed. It’s what woke me up in fact. But not before my dream body went above the me (or that woman representing me, I love how in dreams I can star in every role) in some sort of aerial satellite view and looked down upon the lake and watched the lake thaw dramatically with every step. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering how much it was influenced by Jean Grey’s Phoenix and the dramatic climax of X-Men II. LOL.   

I started mine back in November. Oh, but if you count the session with the life coach, well, I got the ball rolling early October. Soul searching is tough work, but someone’s got to do it.

There’s this sense of foreboding and fear that goes along with staring at a blank page for me. I want to blab and blog (blag?) like there’s no tomorrow, but it’s hard to summons up the words for some reason. I’ve got those oh-so-familiar sinking dumpy feelings again. Sure, it’s easy to blame it all on pms and certainly, to a degree I suppose I’ll go with that theory. As we careen headlong towards January 8th (my first day of school), I find myself grappling with fear, apathy, doubt, excitement, anticipation. Part of me wants a massive ice storm that keeps the city shut down for a week. I’ve been known to have power of the weather before, as noted in previous entries for you long time readers. I’m too lazy to cite them now however. It’s just all these years, I guess, doing the same thing week after week, being so used to being so lazy and unchallenged, yet complaining non-stop about how unfulfilled my life is year after year. I’ve grown so used to being slightly depressed and despondent. The idea of school thrills and terrifies.

I got my final book for Winter Term today, "Cell Biology and Genetics". Because I am a nerd, I am certain I will have the first chapter read before the beginning of my class.

You know what the best show is EVER? The OC. My friends gave me The OC season I for Christmas, only THE BEST XMAS PRESENT OF 2006. Bretty and I watched 4 back-to-back episodes last night, leaving only TWENTY THREE more episodes of Season I to go. My god, what a bargain! We’ve got hours of Ryan and Seth, Marissa & Summer and Sandy and Kirsten. Ahhh. I find the notion of curling up on the couch with my doggies and several episodes of the OC quite comforting. Plus, by this time next week, my free time will be most drastically reduced.