Superinky Fixations

… but I’m still quick to fall off the wagon. See, I decided this whole being-a-full-time-student gig is fairly great, except that I just can’t be by myself in the house and get anything productive done. Today is a perfect example. It’s a holiday, right? So there’s no school and well, it’s not like there’s no work to be done; it’s not like my micro exam is going to go away come Wednesday and all the crap that’s due in my other classes is suddenly not going to be due. Yet, it’s difficult for me to find the motivation to do much more than glance at my notes inbetween checking perezhilton and myspace. I hate those fucking websites anymore these days!! It’s like I have this crazy addiction to NOT studying when I’m in this house. It drives me crazy.

On top of that, I think about my having applied to nursing school just recently and the implication should I be accepted. Right now, at this very moment, I have this uneasy feeling. And I’m not exactly sure if it’s because I don’t think they’re going to accept me because I’m not a good fit/don’t have good enough grades/etc etc you fill in the blank, or if I’m scared they are going to accept me. Because what does that mean? All this going to school for the last year and being totally focused on my pre-requisites will finally get me to the next step.

So I applied to this school on the east coast. It’s a 14 month accelerated bsn that begins in May 08. If I am indeed accepted into this program, I’ll be done in August of 09. It feels totally unreal to me. It’s tripping me out!! It’s like I don’t feel worthy in some regard - and then of course my sitting around thinking about how much I have to do but not actually doing anything doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m glad nobody reads this anymore because I can finally just rant and be stupid and say whatever I want and try to figure out why it’s so hard for me to accept that I can actually do what I want with my life!! I’m worried that my interview with this university may not have been the best - that maybe I didn’t present myself well and didn’t give good enough reasons why I needed to be there. Fuck. WHO KNOWS. I’m driving myself crazy with worry when honestly, I need to just calm the hell down and concentrate on the here and now. I’ll find out soon enough.

In the mean time, I think I’ll at least try to clean up the kitchen a little bit. That should assuage my guilt momentarily.