Superinky Fixations

and it’s a crazy feeling. As the weeks wind down and the intensity of the term pre-finals revs up, I am nearly overcome with hand-wringing anxiety at times. I’m fighting off a caffeine-fueled, hours-long anxiety bender that’s taking it’s tole on my gut. My god it just occurred to me that I’ve been fighting (feeding into?) this for hours now. At least the day wasn’t a complete waste. I studied for about 4 hours and then Brett and I spent the afternoon together. Back to the attack, however; as I apparently find it somehow useful to dwell on negativity; it’s mostly centered around my not feeling good about myself and doubting my ability. I feel like a fraud. I feel like so much of a fraud that I nearly could pass out. I’m waiting for the feeling to pass. Oh, but the sensation that I could possibly vomit looms dangerously close to the surface. I will say I prefer it to the chest pains. My goal is to cope with stress more effectively. Relax a little. I’m way uptight right now. Whew. Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I constantly look at a picture of my little nephew James and gobbling him up and giving him about 2 million kisses. And I think about Brett and spending time with him. And the sparkly pretty ring with the angel feather. He bought me an anniversary ring today and it’s GORGEOUS. Just you wait and see. I feel fortunate and I feel responsible for proving to all the people that believe in me that I deserve their love. I just want the sick feeling in my stomach to go away.

Ok, I need to do some d e e e e e p   b r e e e e e e a t h i n g.   

I’m a thinker more than a doer. That’s why this whole career change/life change thing is so difficult. Analyzing myself into oblivion until I’m completely frozen. So with the ground moving so fast beneath me I am struck with shock and inside I feel out of control. It’s absolutely boring to talk about because it is the story of my life. Yet I need to work out these horrific feelings of self-doubt somehow. So I’m scared. Puke your guts scared. It feels icky.

Maybe more later. I need to meditate or pray or get grounded with myself or whatever. xoxo