…and that’s just about all I have to say right now….
Superinky Fixations
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Archive for October, 2007
a swirl
Just can’t seem to get my head screwed on straight this week. Oh sure, I big fat pre-calc test tomorrow AND a practicum in Microbiology. Am I studying? Well, I guess a little. But I’m not hitting the books like a trooper or anything. I sort of wish I were taking another class to keep me more focused! The anxiety of test-taking is far worse than the tests themselves. Yet here I am, sitting in this anxious state, wondering if I’m prepared enough to take on a couple challenges tomorrow. And what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t just open up my lab book and freaking familiarize myself with it’s contents. What am I doing blogging right now? For Pete’s sake, I am ridiculous! I figure this is more productive than surfing perezhilton or even cuteoverload, as I’m at least getting my feelings out, one painful word at a time. I’m even trying to strike bargains with myself such as if you do half a page of math review problems you can read perez for 15 minutes… Alas, it doesn’t work very well. Crap. When am I going to get the hang of this student gig?
week 3
It’s Monday of the third week of term. It’s begun to sink in quite deeply that I am not returning to the cubicle. But there is still this part of me that has not accepted that I am a full time student. Given all this extra time to study, I find myself looking for distractions and excuses *not* to study. It doesn’t make sense at all. The best I can figure is that there is this little nazi inside me that doesn’t want me to succeed. It’s crazy, I know, and I’m doing my best to ignore it and move forward in my new life.
It’s so true that when confronted with change, one clings to what is familiar, despite how bad/self-limiting that familiar thing may be in the long run. For me it’s the endless grim, yet predictable future of my cubicle. Not having it everyday makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. What must I be doing wrong? And that little ugly nazi inside my head tries to convince me there can’t be anything else. It’s gross! It’s just taking time to get used to being a full time student I guess.
This week will be packed with tests and practicums and quizzes and projects. I’m thankful for it, if for no other reason than to keep me busy and keep the dark destructive thoughts out of my head. I woke up this morning thinking about pre-calculus. It’s not so much that I hate it, but that it freaks me out that I’m doing it. It’s like I’m this fraud just pretending to know how to do pre-calc. So I’ve got all this anxiety about the test the day after tomorrow, thinking that somehow the last couple of weeks I haven’t really been paying attention and it’s all going to come crashing down on Wednesday when I look at that test and can’t do a thing… see??? I’m driving myself crazy!!
On the home front, our master bedroom is quickly coming together. First the new bed (wow, I’m really loving the temperpedic) and just yesterday B cemented the tiles in the bathroom. Tomorrow we’ll grout and maybe by the end of the week the plumber can hook up with toilet and sink and we may very well have a working bathroom by the weekend. woohoo!!
I’m trying to integrate more exercise into my days by walking back and forth to school as much as possible. It’s a start for sure, getting 30 minutes or more of brisk walking in 5 days a week. That, and sitting in my nutrition class hearing about how 30% of Americans are clinically obese and don’t get enough exercise (sometimes it feels the text books are talking right to me…) and how obesity and lack of exercise leads to this whole mountain of health problems… I figure my walking to school will burn a few of those extra calories and reduce my carbon footprint and all.
I need help with time management. Any suggestions? Actually, more than time management, I need some freaking motivation to organize my time! Application season is just around the corner and I’ll have to juggle it with a full school load, too. I already know Winter is going to be even more intense than now. Somehow I’ve got to get my act together. Trust me, I’m all over the visualization stuff. I love that nu age philosophy and it works, really… I just need to amp myself up a bit.
Bottom line: I’m terrifically hard on myself. I know that even if I get an A on my quiz tonight in Micro and even if I turn in a fabulous report in Nutrition, etc etc, none of it will be good enough for me. See? That’s stinking little nazi will never be satisfied.
Oh, and my birthday is fast approaching. It’s no longer a fun time to look forward to; I just feel old! That’s ok. I guess I’m right where I need to be.
Well, it’s a big day. Best get moving!!