Superinky Fixations

I had this dream last night that I was in the hospital. B was with me and I was scared. I thought I was there for some kind of a check-up, but then, before I knew it, I was put under. I woke up and I was in pain and really frightened. I asked B what was going on and to take me home. I was confused because I thought I had another few weeks before my surgery but it seemed they’d operated on me because I felt really sore. I was crying and crying because I didn’t understand why the doctors would operate on me before I was scheduled to have an operation. Then the dream starts to get fuzzing. Something about a male doctor putting me under to do an examination, but that I had to come back for the operation.

Hmmm. Nervous perhaps? As the days go on it becomes less scary, the thought of the operation itself, and I’m becoming more enthusiastic over the possibility that I may actually experience less pain and more relief. I am mostly anxious over the possibility of complications. But hey, I’m trying to be very upbeat about the whole thing.

School is so consuming! There’s really not a lot of time to do much of anything else during the week besides my homework. I’ve found I can sneak in a couple hours of studying at work, too, though I’m sure I won’t always be able to count on down time on the job. But I schlep all my books in everyday on the off chance I’ll have a few minutes to dedicate to the greater cause of my future career.

I can’t believe all the stuff I’ve already done for both my classes. Pages and pages of written homework for Biology, including 2 quizzes and 3 pre-labs. And Algebra. Good heavens, the amount of homework is somewhat staggering. It still remains the class that feels the easiest. Then again, today is the Exam over Chapter 1 and it’s all been review so far. The jury’s out people. And I’ve been boring you all far too long with my homework woes!

Talk to you soon.

Note to self: don’t wait until the day before your homework is due to do your homework again. Thank GOD today was recognized by my work and school as a holiday. I literally spent the last, I’m not exaggerating here, the last 5 and a half hours studying and doing homework. And I’m sure last week I did at least another 2 or 3 hours of studying. I have not even completed reading my Biology chapter or completed my Micro World projects from last week, and for sure there’s much work to look forward to this week. I mean, crap, I’ve got an algebra quiz tomorrow, that much I’m sure. Did you know I had homework due for a class I hadn’t even attended yet? I totally forgot how much work is involved with school. And week 2 doesn’t technically begin until tomorrow. Better get used to it.

Life is really freaking crazy. It’s crazy and unexpected and it twists and turns in ways I could have never imagined. Last week I found out I have a large growth on my left ovary. It’s about 11 centimeters and if you make a fist, well, that’s pretty much it’s size. Additionally, I have another, smaller growth on my right ovary, this one between 2 and 4 centimeters. It didn’t really hit me until I made that fist and looked at it really hard, trying to imagine it inside my body.

I’m sad mostly, and frustrated. How many years have I complained about acute pain during ovulation? Painful, debilitating cramping? I have a hard time believing a fist sized tumor just appears overnight. But at the same time I don’t blame anyone. And I’m thankful someone found it now before it got any worse. I can’t help but wonder what direction my life may have swerved in had these tumors been discovered years ago when we entertained the thought of having children. All along I’ve wanted to believe our choice to remain child free was just that, our choice. Now it seems more complicated.

It’s likely the left ovary will go with the surgery. And depending on what the right side looks like will determine what happens to the other one. I certainly don’t want to lose them both. I’m not prepared to swoop into an early menopause. But again, I suppose, it’s better than the possible alternative.

Just so you know, there’s nothing to lead the doctors to believe these tumors and anything more than benign. I even looked it up on-line and discovered some amazing facts and some rather grotesque photographs. I don’t recommend looking it up unless you have a strong stomach. But if you do, the one on my left side is called a dermoid cyst. Part of me wants to see those things after they come out though. I’ve been carrying them around long enough.

I’m most looking forward to all the time I’ll be required to take off work. Two weeks minimum, and that’s if the doctors can do laproscopic surgery, a month if they must cut me open. I had a consult on Friday with a surgeon who said I may, if I’m not working or doing anything else, be able to go to school the following week after the procedure. It’ll be week seven of the term, after my 2nd big exam in Cell Biology. I think I’ll have a pretty good idea by then how I’m going to do in the class.

In the mean time, I’ll continue to read up on my tumors, I’ll consult a naturopath next week and I will remain positive. Oh yeah, and I’ll continue to study my ass off. 

My final day of slothful freedom. It’s already 10:38am and I’ve successfully managed to do as little as possible for what may be the last time for the next several years. Bretty assembled the desk unit from Dania and our office is in shambles. My goal: create a study space conducive to higher learning. Better get cracking. Better pack up my Wolverine action figures and stock up on pencils and erasers. Cellular Biology awaits me just under 32 hours from now.

I did a little calculating in my head, just to make myself feel better, and I figured that the average student would pay approximately $850 for these 9 credits I’m tackling (which includes all tuition, fees, and books). And, get this, because of my service to a certain educational institution, my 9 credits are setting me back, so far, including all my notebooks and pencils, pens and erasers, well, it feels a little cheesy revealing this and I don’t want to, you know, rub it in or anything, but… oh, here it goes, it’s setting me back $87. Now, because I’ve only placed into Math 60, I can’t give you the precise percentage of savings, but I’m eyeballing it here and venturing a guess that I’m saving somewhere along the lines of 90%. Holy crap. So it’s definitely to my advantage so stick with my job for at least the next year and knock out those pre-requisites. I’ve been looking at some private schools that offer graduate programs in nursing and those babies are going to demand anywhere from $15 to 20k PER YEAR. Best count my blessings while I can I suppose.

So anyway, this is pretty much it for me I suspect. And I’m not complaining or lamenting or even being sentimental. In fact, I relish the idea of changing it up. I’m sick and tired of my unchallenged mental state. I cannot count the number of games of spider solitaire I’ve played. And to what end? Just wasting time until I think of something else unproductive to do. I relish leaving these days behind and starting something new. Now don’t be mistaken: I love doing nothing. I have this sort of mantra I say to myself all the time, measuring time in cups of tea. Yeah, yeah, so I may have stole it from Sark a few years back, but it seems to me a mantra I can carry with me no matter what I’m doing, productive or slothful.

My dreams have been plentiful and vivid lately. Yesterday morning I woke up with a start, after dreaming I (or a woman symbolizing "I") discovered I had this uncontrollable power that heated up everything around me. I walked onto a solid, frozen lake and every step I took the ice melted to the lake floor. It was scary and thrilling to walk on the lake. There was a man ice fishing and he laughed when I walked by him and he fell to the lake floor. Then I worried about him, that he would drown in the melted water after I passed. It’s what woke me up in fact. But not before my dream body went above the me (or that woman representing me, I love how in dreams I can star in every role) in some sort of aerial satellite view and looked down upon the lake and watched the lake thaw dramatically with every step. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering how much it was influenced by Jean Grey’s Phoenix and the dramatic climax of X-Men II. LOL.   

I started mine back in November. Oh, but if you count the session with the life coach, well, I got the ball rolling early October. Soul searching is tough work, but someone’s got to do it.

There’s this sense of foreboding and fear that goes along with staring at a blank page for me. I want to blab and blog (blag?) like there’s no tomorrow, but it’s hard to summons up the words for some reason. I’ve got those oh-so-familiar sinking dumpy feelings again. Sure, it’s easy to blame it all on pms and certainly, to a degree I suppose I’ll go with that theory. As we careen headlong towards January 8th (my first day of school), I find myself grappling with fear, apathy, doubt, excitement, anticipation. Part of me wants a massive ice storm that keeps the city shut down for a week. I’ve been known to have power of the weather before, as noted in previous entries for you long time readers. I’m too lazy to cite them now however. It’s just all these years, I guess, doing the same thing week after week, being so used to being so lazy and unchallenged, yet complaining non-stop about how unfulfilled my life is year after year. I’ve grown so used to being slightly depressed and despondent. The idea of school thrills and terrifies.

I got my final book for Winter Term today, "Cell Biology and Genetics". Because I am a nerd, I am certain I will have the first chapter read before the beginning of my class.

You know what the best show is EVER? The OC. My friends gave me The OC season I for Christmas, only THE BEST XMAS PRESENT OF 2006. Bretty and I watched 4 back-to-back episodes last night, leaving only TWENTY THREE more episodes of Season I to go. My god, what a bargain! We’ve got hours of Ryan and Seth, Marissa & Summer and Sandy and Kirsten. Ahhh. I find the notion of curling up on the couch with my doggies and several episodes of the OC quite comforting. Plus, by this time next week, my free time will be most drastically reduced.