Superinky Fixations

Bryn Mawr is a trip. What exactly is the origin of the name Bryn Mawr? It looks Welsh if you ask me and my English friends. The Mainline is where I live and go to school. And maybe it's just because I'm in the thick of it, but it sure seems like Villanova is held in high esteem. And I feel grateful and happy to be part of something special. I'm excited by the material and the prospect of working as a nurse as soon as next summer. Their primary goal in our training is to prepare us for the real world, but to also assure our success with the national exam (NCLEX). I've already written a couple papers, learned how to take blood pressure (I need a lot of practice, people), and read more in one week than I usually read in a term. My first week of nursing school is over and done with; I had a final and the grades to prove it. Crazy. Things are moving along so quickly.

Well, in a way they are. It's hard being here alone. Ok, ok, I'm not totally alone. Phoebe is here with me, and for that I am thankful every single day. I find myself talking to her like I would any roommate. She's still adjusting if you ask me. She gets all yippy and barky when she hears someone in the hallway. She gets nervous and yips at people sometimes when we go out walking. But her hyper-vigilance at night has calmed down considerably since I made the discovery of shutting the bedroom door when we go to sleep. There are countless squirrels and multiple variety of birds on this massive campus of apartments known as the Home Properties of Bryn Mawr. We go out walking early in the morning and it's incredibly quiet and peaceful. Oh, except for the frequent sirens and wail of the fire station. My god is that jarring. Phoebe gets into it and starts howling along, which is kind of cute and I sort of want to encourage, but I'm also scared of incurring the wrath of my as yet invisible building co-inhabitants. Actually, I think I might be in this building by myself right now. All the colleges are out for the summer. There was loads of activity the last couple of weeks, but it seems like it's died down a bit. The dumpsters were rife for diving.

I miss Brett and I want him here with me sometimes so badly. I know that as the term moves on there will be times that I won't have an extra moment, but this long weekend, for example, I could have really used his company. I just keep reminding myself that this is all for a greater good. I graduate next July and then I can begin my new career. He'll be able to come visit for the 4th of July weekend. I'm awfully excited about that; I do live in the most patriotic city in America (well, I live 8 miles outside of the most patriotic city in America). I hope we can go into Philly and really explore the city. What I've seen of it I love.

Saturday I went to the Devon Horse Fair - or something resembling that name. What a surreal experience for me. There were all these equestrian events going on; you know, the ones where finely attired equesterians take their finely groomed and braided horses through a series of complicated jumps. I didn't know what made one equestrian better than the next. Frankly, I didn't see any horses knock anything over and they all looked beautiful. Oh, and there were events for tiny children. We caught the 3 year old event and it was both fascinating and a little creepy to see all these children decked out completely in their gear and taking their horses around the ring (with what appeared to be their mothers or fathers of horse trainers). I only saw one child have a complete 3 year old meltdown and he, his mother and horse left the field. There were a lot of sundresses and big hats.

I regret to admit that I am terrified by the driving around here. Maniacal, crazed, aggressive, angry, possessed, extreme, horrific, uninhibited; those are euphemisms. My sheltered West Coast spirit just can't handle it. I would be eaten alive if I had to drive around here. So I walk everywhere. It's 2.2 miles to school in the morning. I got rides home a couple times last week, and someone even picked me up the day of our final. So it's all good. I feel good walking in the morning. I figure it's a good way to get exercise, because I don't think I'd get it any other way. The only downside is that I'm a little red and sweaty when I get to school. Then again, at least I know I'm getting an aerobic workout. So what's a little b.o. among fellow students?

I took a bath tonight. It felt wonderful. My bathtub is gigantic. It was 77 degrees today. I here the summers here are outrageously uncomfortable. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Oh, and I've been suffering with what I can only describe as allergies for the last several days. I just don't get allergies, so this really threw me for a loop. It was like I was coming down with a cold for days, what with the headache and the stuffy nose and the sore throat. Then yesterday I finally bought some Claritin and wouldn't you know it, I feel a 100% better. As a matter of fact, 24 hours have passed and I believe it's time to take another pill. Guess this is as good of a time as any to say goodbye. I need to lie down, rest, and fall asleep soon. Last week (the Sunday before my first day of school) I literally slept maybe 3 and a half hours. Sure, I was anxious and uncomfortable and Phoebe was being the biggest bitchy brat ever. I don't want to go to school that exhausted again.

So farewell for now. Thanks for reading.

It’s Wednesday of the last week of term. I’ve got 3 more full days of classes, a weekend of hard core studying and memorization ahead of me, then another 3 days of finals. Then, voila, it’ll all be over. Well, not quite over because I’ve got to complete my human development class. But the chemistry and the statistics and the anatomy and physiology and the pathophysiology will all be over. FOR GOOD. woot! I really can’t even begin to let myself think about anything else but getting through the next few days.

However, I’m not too busy to talk about how much I love my anniversary band, and how I so look forward to next weekend when B and I will take a short, romantic vakay down to McMinnville for some excellent dining and wine tasting. It’s absolutely the main thing that’s propelling forward.

B and I are flying to Philadelphia the first part of April. I’m going to meet the coordinator of the accelerated nursing program, get a tour of the university, and even attend a bsn-express new student orientation dinner. It just sort of happened that we were going to be in town the same time as the dinner. My dearest hope is to secure a place to live while we’re there.

Give me a holla if you have any thoughts about a cross country journey. I’m pretty excited about the prospect. But like I said, I don’t think about it too much right now. I need someone to do the thinking for me!

and it’s a crazy feeling. As the weeks wind down and the intensity of the term pre-finals revs up, I am nearly overcome with hand-wringing anxiety at times. I’m fighting off a caffeine-fueled, hours-long anxiety bender that’s taking it’s tole on my gut. My god it just occurred to me that I’ve been fighting (feeding into?) this for hours now. At least the day wasn’t a complete waste. I studied for about 4 hours and then Brett and I spent the afternoon together. Back to the attack, however; as I apparently find it somehow useful to dwell on negativity; it’s mostly centered around my not feeling good about myself and doubting my ability. I feel like a fraud. I feel like so much of a fraud that I nearly could pass out. I’m waiting for the feeling to pass. Oh, but the sensation that I could possibly vomit looms dangerously close to the surface. I will say I prefer it to the chest pains. My goal is to cope with stress more effectively. Relax a little. I’m way uptight right now. Whew. Thanks for hanging in there with me on this one. I constantly look at a picture of my little nephew James and gobbling him up and giving him about 2 million kisses. And I think about Brett and spending time with him. And the sparkly pretty ring with the angel feather. He bought me an anniversary ring today and it’s GORGEOUS. Just you wait and see. I feel fortunate and I feel responsible for proving to all the people that believe in me that I deserve their love. I just want the sick feeling in my stomach to go away.

Ok, I need to do some d e e e e e p   b r e e e e e e a t h i n g.   

I’m a thinker more than a doer. That’s why this whole career change/life change thing is so difficult. Analyzing myself into oblivion until I’m completely frozen. So with the ground moving so fast beneath me I am struck with shock and inside I feel out of control. It’s absolutely boring to talk about because it is the story of my life. Yet I need to work out these horrific feelings of self-doubt somehow. So I’m scared. Puke your guts scared. It feels icky.

Maybe more later. I need to meditate or pray or get grounded with myself or whatever. xoxo

  james close up 3 YES 
  Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl

Wow!! Here’s my little nephew. He was just born this morning at 1:18am. I can’t stop staring at him!! I mean, he’s cute - really cute. And he coos and hums and kind of sings… just like my sister. I actually think he’s going to take after the Villines side of the family, what with the wide set eyes and round nose and full lips. My sister pushed like crazy for hours and dear god I know she tried, I was there! But he just didn’t want to come out that way, so he was delivered via c-section. Mom and baby are resting comfortably up at the Capital Medical Center hospital in Olympia. What a doll!!! I’m totally in love. Oh, and the Otis part of James Otis, why Otis is my dad’s first name.

Villanova sent me an acceptance letter last Friday. I told myself I wasn’t going to know how I felt until I had that letter in my hands. And here it is, Monday, and I’ve read the thing about 10 times and I think I’m still in shock. It’s all the way in Pennsylvania, which freaks me out to no end. Maybe I will know one other person if she decides to go. But she’s kind of in the same position as me, what with a husband and a home here in Portland. Oh, and she grew up right by Villanova. 14 months. Fourteen months. That’s it. It’s a shit ton of money, but then again, a bargain compared with going to Linfield for 2 years or the University of Portland. Hell, I think it’s even less expensive than OHSU. Listen to me, already trying to rationalize…

I feel like if I go ahead and send them the $500 non-refundable deposit for my uniform and stethoscope and misc stuff that I will have committed myself and there’s no reason to look any further for a school. $500 is just enough of a hit to really smart and I’d feel sort of foolish giving it up if I decide later on to go somewhere else.

I’ve got to decide, and SOON. The deposit is due by the 31st of December.Of course the school starts a lot earlier than most of the other schools I’ve looked at. Oh yeah, that’s the other thing; May 19th. School starts on May 19th. No vague amorphous date sometime in the future. It very clearly begins 6 months from Wednesday. I’ll have a Bachelor of Science in Nursing in August of 2009. Everyone, regardless of whether they get an A.S. or a B.S. has to take these national exams, but in theory I could be working before September of 2009. Or I could continue going to school and get my Masters right away and then begin working as a nurse practitioner.

It’s so crazy! A year ago I hadn’t even started taking my pre-requisite to get into my pre-requisites! I was looking to start Math 65, and have taken math every term until now, when, in winter I’ll FINALLY be to the point where I’ll get my math pre-requisite taken care of. Dang that’s a lot of math.

By the way, I totally aced fall term. I love being a full time student. Actually, it’s rather stressful, because I put a lot of stress on myself to do well. I pretty much felt like I was having a non-stop heart attack for the last 2 weeks of school. And now, a week after finals, I have a cold.

My little sister is due to have her baby on the 24th. Isn’t that a week from today? OMG!!! She and Joel are still not giving anyone a definitive answer on a name. I know he wants to go with Joel… I think they both like Jack… I had this dream the other night they named him Andrew… don’t ask me where that came from.

If I go to Villanova  there will be holidays and breaks of course. And B promised we would see each other at least once a month. Fourteen months. I’ve been going to school so far for 12 months.

Winter is going to be crazy intense. I have a conditional acceptance, which means I must complete organic chemistry, statistics, human development, pathophysiology and my third term of anatomy & physiology with a B average or better prior to beginning the nursing program on May 19th. So yeah, I’m taking all of those classes at once. In fact, I only have another 3 weeks of freedom! I know, woe is me, but it doesn’t feel like a very long break!

I can’t stand it. I’m going to surf around and see if I can find some dirt on Villanova; at least a student website or something. But truth be told, it’s a damn fine university.

… but I’m still quick to fall off the wagon. See, I decided this whole being-a-full-time-student gig is fairly great, except that I just can’t be by myself in the house and get anything productive done. Today is a perfect example. It’s a holiday, right? So there’s no school and well, it’s not like there’s no work to be done; it’s not like my micro exam is going to go away come Wednesday and all the crap that’s due in my other classes is suddenly not going to be due. Yet, it’s difficult for me to find the motivation to do much more than glance at my notes inbetween checking perezhilton and myspace. I hate those fucking websites anymore these days!! It’s like I have this crazy addiction to NOT studying when I’m in this house. It drives me crazy.

On top of that, I think about my having applied to nursing school just recently and the implication should I be accepted. Right now, at this very moment, I have this uneasy feeling. And I’m not exactly sure if it’s because I don’t think they’re going to accept me because I’m not a good fit/don’t have good enough grades/etc etc you fill in the blank, or if I’m scared they are going to accept me. Because what does that mean? All this going to school for the last year and being totally focused on my pre-requisites will finally get me to the next step.

So I applied to this school on the east coast. It’s a 14 month accelerated bsn that begins in May 08. If I am indeed accepted into this program, I’ll be done in August of 09. It feels totally unreal to me. It’s tripping me out!! It’s like I don’t feel worthy in some regard - and then of course my sitting around thinking about how much I have to do but not actually doing anything doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m glad nobody reads this anymore because I can finally just rant and be stupid and say whatever I want and try to figure out why it’s so hard for me to accept that I can actually do what I want with my life!! I’m worried that my interview with this university may not have been the best - that maybe I didn’t present myself well and didn’t give good enough reasons why I needed to be there. Fuck. WHO KNOWS. I’m driving myself crazy with worry when honestly, I need to just calm the hell down and concentrate on the here and now. I’ll find out soon enough.

In the mean time, I think I’ll at least try to clean up the kitchen a little bit. That should assuage my guilt momentarily.

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Originally uploaded by dieselboi

…and that’s just about all I have to say right now….

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Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl

Just can’t seem to get my head screwed on straight this week. Oh sure, I big fat pre-calc test tomorrow AND a practicum in Microbiology. Am I studying? Well, I guess a little. But I’m not hitting the books like a trooper or anything. I sort of wish I were taking another class to keep me more focused! The anxiety of test-taking is far worse than the tests themselves. Yet here I am, sitting in this anxious state, wondering if I’m prepared enough to take on a couple challenges tomorrow. And what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t just open up my lab book and freaking familiarize myself with it’s contents. What am I doing blogging right now? For Pete’s sake, I am ridiculous! I figure this is more productive than surfing perezhilton or even cuteoverload, as I’m at least getting my feelings out, one painful word at a time. I’m even trying to strike bargains with myself such as if you do half a page of math review problems you can read perez for 15 minutes… Alas, it doesn’t work very well. Crap. When am I going to get the hang of this student gig?

where am i?
Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl

It’s Monday of the third week of term. It’s begun to sink in quite deeply that I am not returning to the cubicle. But there is still this part of me that has not accepted that I am a full time student. Given all this extra time to study, I find myself looking for distractions and excuses *not* to study. It doesn’t make sense at all. The best I can figure is that there is this little nazi inside me that doesn’t want me to succeed. It’s crazy, I know, and I’m doing my best to ignore it and move forward in my new life.

It’s so true that when confronted with change, one clings to what is familiar, despite how bad/self-limiting that familiar thing may be in the long run. For me it’s the endless grim, yet predictable future of my cubicle. Not having it everyday makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. What must I be doing wrong? And that little ugly nazi inside my head tries to convince me there can’t be anything else. It’s gross! It’s just taking time to get used to being a full time student I guess.

This week will be packed with tests and practicums and quizzes and projects. I’m thankful for it, if for no other reason than to keep me busy and keep the dark destructive thoughts out of my head. I woke up this morning thinking about pre-calculus. It’s not so much that I hate it, but that it freaks me out that I’m doing it. It’s like I’m this fraud just pretending to know how to do pre-calc. So I’ve got all this anxiety about the test the day after tomorrow, thinking that somehow the last couple of weeks I haven’t really been paying attention and it’s all going to come crashing down on Wednesday when I look at that test and can’t do a thing… see??? I’m driving myself crazy!!

On the home front, our master bedroom is quickly coming together. First the new bed (wow, I’m really loving the temperpedic) and just yesterday B cemented the tiles in the bathroom. Tomorrow we’ll grout and maybe by the end of the week the plumber can hook up with toilet and sink and we may very well have a working bathroom by the weekend. woohoo!!

I’m trying to integrate more exercise into my days by walking back and forth to school as much as possible. It’s a start for sure, getting 30 minutes or more of brisk walking in 5 days a week. That, and sitting in my nutrition class hearing about how 30% of Americans are clinically obese and don’t get enough exercise (sometimes it feels the text books are talking right to me…) and how obesity and lack of exercise leads to this whole mountain of health problems… I figure my walking to school will burn a few of those extra calories and reduce my carbon footprint and all.

I need help with time management. Any suggestions? Actually, more than time management, I need some freaking motivation to organize my time! Application season is just around the corner and I’ll have to juggle it with a full school load, too. I already know Winter is going to be even more intense than now. Somehow I’ve got to get my act together. Trust me, I’m all over the visualization stuff. I love that nu age philosophy and it works, really… I just need to amp myself up a bit.

Bottom line: I’m terrifically hard on myself. I know that even if I get an A on my quiz tonight in Micro and even if I turn in a fabulous report in Nutrition, etc etc, none of it will be good enough for me. See? That’s stinking little nazi will never be satisfied.

Oh, and my birthday is fast approaching. It’s no longer a fun time to look forward to; I just feel old! That’s ok. I guess I’m right where I need to be.

Well, it’s a big day. Best get moving!!

Picture 176
Originally uploaded by Superinkygrrl

So I don’t write much lately. I’m busy. What’s a girl to do? I literally feel I must chose between having a personal life and studying. And summer school, good loving god, summer school is for freaks and masochists, of which I am both. Summer school, the thing I will never do again unless I am not working and have no major commitments for at least 8 consecutive weeks. Summer school, a playground for insanity, a breeding ground for paranoia, a battlefield for which I will surely (but with tremendous effort and grace) flummox my 4.0.

The good news: wow, this is sort of hard to say… the good news is that I can concentrate on school next term. And by concentrate I mean to say that I can concentrate on school completely… because I won’t be burdened with this, you know, bothersome stressor called work. I actually can’t believe I’m saying this, and truth be told this is the very first time I’ve written this string of words together and really meant it, I’m leaving my job and going to school full time. Wow. It doesn’t seem real.

I’m lucky Bretty loves me and supports me and we can swing it on one income. I’m still not entirely sure how we’re going to do it, even though I’ve seen it on paper and we’ve talked about it endlessly. It’s just hard to imagine going without one of our incomes for what could be 2 or more years.

Must trust this will work out. It feels scary because it’s so unfamiliar. I’m being positive, though. It will all work out.